The question I’ve been living lately is “Why I Am Doing This?” Paraphrased, it sounds like this: “Why I am spending some of the best years of my life enduring the insanity of a doctoral program?” This question comes out of a chronic tiredness caused by 60+ hour workweeks, a bottomless pit of things to do, deprivation in social life, financial stress and the feelings of injustice which accompany it, and constant external as well as internal pressure to do more. On top of that, today I have realized that I no longer feel passionate about my work. Somewhere along the way I’ve lost “the big picture” of why I am doing what I am doing. Today I re-read an autobiographical essay I wrote some time ago in which my passions were very much alive and felt like it was someone else who wrote it, not me.
In my weariness, I opened my Bible and my eyes fell on Psalm 27:5:
“For in the time of trouble He shall hide me in His pavilion; in the secret place of His tabernacle He shall hide me; He shall set me high upon a rock”
This verse reminded me of a fall several years ago when my friend and I travelled to Boon, NC. While there, we drove to one picturesque place and sat on a huge rock overlooking a waterfall. While sitting on that rock, I heard God’s voice whispering, “I am your Rock. I am bigger, stronger and more secure than this rock you are sitting on” There was something about that moment and the tactile contact with an actual rock that made it a powerful and memorable experience for me. In my heart, I want to go back to it, if not physically, then at least spiritually. I want to feel the rock underneath me and God’s gentle and strong arms picking me up and setting me on it. From the height of that rock, I want to be able to look around, see the beautiful landscape and get lost in the majesty of God’s creation. I love the fact that “in the time of trouble” King David had confidence that the Lord would hide him in a secret and beautiful place, and that He would set him high upon a rock. Please pray that I can have that same confidence and experience God as my Rock all over again.
