What kind of answers do I seek from God?

My mind is full of incessant questions lately. They are not deep and profound kind of questions, but the worrying kind. They are like a bunch of annoying loud flies that I keep trying to scare away, but they keep coming back. If you were to take a snapshot of my brain in any given 2 minutes, this is what you would see/hear:

….How will I survive this year? How are we going to pay off our student loans? What can my dissertation topic be? What if I am not able to defend my proposal on time? What if I don’t pass my comp exam next summer and have to take an extra year in school? What if I have a really demanding internship next year? What if I don’t find a pre-doc placement in Chicago and we have to move to another state for a year? How are we going to pay off our student loans? When do I have time to study for my licensing exam in November? When I have time to do work for my 1-credit independent study in biblical interpretation this semester? How are we going to pay off our student loans? What if I don’t get enough hours at my internship site this year? What if David doesn’t get into a doctoral program? What if he gets into one that is 2.5 hours away? How are we going to pay off our student loans? How are we going to survive this year financially? Why can’t we find a car to buy? When will we be able to go visit my family again? What if we won’t have time or money next summer? What if something happens to my parents? What if something happens to my husband? ….

I often allow these questions to eat away my joy and peace. Sometimes I feel really powerless over my anxious mind. This morning it dawned on me that I lot of the questions I worry about are “earthly” questions (which is not bad in itself), but the trouble is that I really want “earthly” answers to them while God offers me “heavenly” answers instead. Let me explain.

Recently I read a story about a man who came to Mother Teresa for advice and told her in great detail about all his troubles. Mother Teresa listened intently and then quietly said, "Well, when you spend one hour a day adoring your Lord and never do anything which you know is wrong...you will be fine!" At the first glance, it may appear as though she completely misheard him or discounted his experience. However, what really happened in this story is that the man was asking the questions “from below” and looking for answers “from below”, but Mother Teresa offered him an answer “from above”. God did that with Job too. Instead of directly answering all (or at least some) of Job’s “why?” questions, God simply said, “Hey, where were you when I created the earth?” In that God redirected Job from the concerns of his life to His person and character. Result? Job fell down on his face and worshipped the King.

Sometimes when we ask questions “from below”, God gives us specific answers and shows us the exact direction we should go. But sometimes He doesn’t. Then I am tempted to think that He does not hear or does not care, all the while He is wanting me to find my peace not in the answers, but in Himself. My prayer today is that God would help me dwell on His glory, His goodness, His sovereignty, His everlasting love, and His unchanging character. May my “worry list” and yours be dropped at the feet of the One who holds the universe and delights to offer us His presence!

Why "Living the Questions"?

The theme for this blog has been inspired by the current book I am reading with my small group. It’s called Spiritual Direction by Henri Nouwen. In the very first chapter the author calls us to live the questions of our lives, both alone and in community, as we seek our mission in the world. He insists that life’s hard questions must be raised, faced, and then lived. This means that we must take time to listen to the questions from within. It also means that we must not dismiss them or be annoyed by them. And we must constantly fight the temptation to offer or accept simple answers.

I am truly convicted that I do not live my questions, and I certainly do not love them, and I (being a psychologist-in-training) am a very bad listener to my own questions. I was taken by the wisdom of Nouwen when he commented that “living the questions runs counter to the mainstream of Christian ministry that wants to impart knowledge to understand, skills to control, and power to conquer. In spiritual listening, we encounter God who cannot be fully understood, we discover realities that cannot be controlled, and we realize that our hope is hidden not in the possession of power but in the confession of weakness”. If I am completely honest with myself, I am not very comfortable with questions that linger without answers. I am not very comfortable with mystery and with lack of control. But yet a part of me longs to encounter the living God of mystery who is way bigger than any of my questions. It is that part that I want to give voice through writing. I do want to become more courageous in listening to the questions from within. I don’t know what this journey will look like exactly, but I invite you to join me. I invite your thoughts, your questions, your reflections as well!

“When God enters into the center of our lives to unmask our illusion of

possessing final solutions and to disarm us with always deeper questions,

we will not necessarily have an easier or simpler life, but certainly a life that is honest,

courageous, and marked with the ongoing search for truth.

Sometimes, in living the questions, answers are found.

More often, as our questions and issues are tested and mature in solitude,

the questions simply dissolve.”