Why I Am Doing This?

The question I’ve been living lately is “Why I Am Doing This?” Paraphrased, it sounds like this: “Why I am spending some of the best years of my life enduring the insanity of a doctoral program?” This question comes out of a chronic tiredness caused by 60+ hour workweeks, a bottomless pit of things to do, deprivation in social life, financial stress and the feelings of injustice which accompany it, and constant external as well as internal pressure to do more. On top of that, today I have realized that I no longer feel passionate about my work. Somewhere along the way I’ve lost “the big picture” of why I am doing what I am doing. Today I re-read an autobiographical essay I wrote some time ago in which my passions were very much alive and felt like it was someone else who wrote it, not me.

In my weariness, I opened my Bible and my eyes fell on Psalm 27:5:

“For in the time of trouble He shall hide me in His pavilion; in the secret place of His tabernacle He shall hide me; He shall set me high upon a rock”

This verse reminded me of a fall several years ago when my friend and I travelled to Boon, NC. While there, we drove to one picturesque place and sat on a huge rock overlooking a waterfall. While sitting on that rock, I heard God’s voice whispering, “I am your Rock. I am bigger, stronger and more secure than this rock you are sitting on” There was something about that moment and the tactile contact with an actual rock that made it a powerful and memorable experience for me. In my heart, I want to go back to it, if not physically, then at least spiritually. I want to feel the rock underneath me and God’s gentle and strong arms picking me up and setting me on it. From the height of that rock, I want to be able to look around, see the beautiful landscape and get lost in the majesty of God’s creation. I love the fact that “in the time of trouble” King David had confidence that the Lord would hide him in a secret and beautiful place, and that He would set him high upon a rock. Please pray that I can have that same confidence and experience God as my Rock all over again.

The Mystery of Weakness

“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor 12:9)

The last few weeks have been weeks of much weakness for me. The demands on my time have been significantly larger than the number of hours available in each day. Doing has taken over my being. As a result, my heart has suffered from numbness and isolation, and my mind has suffered from anxiety and frustration. My joy and my passion have been sapped.

And then I read stuff like the verse above and it really bugs me. Everything inside me screams, “I can’t afford to be weak, I need to be strong!” I really hate my weakness and Jesus just has the audacity to say that I need to embrace it? Really, just like that??

Yes. Just. Like. That.

If I sit back and reflect on my life, I remember so many times when in one way or another I was at the end of myself. And those moments were precisely the ones when God came through and beautifully worked. His strength was indeed made perfect in my weakness. So why do I resent being weak and having to trust Him so much? Why, even though I have confidence that God had called me to the work I am doing today, somehow I think I have to do it on my own strength and if I can’t, that means I am a failure? Why does it take a mental and emotional burnout for me to finally start surrendering and coming to God with my empty cup?

“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness”.

My heart so wants to believe this and live this out, but my flesh is weak.  Oh wait, that’s the point…

What kind of answers do I seek from God?

My mind is full of incessant questions lately. They are not deep and profound kind of questions, but the worrying kind. They are like a bunch of annoying loud flies that I keep trying to scare away, but they keep coming back. If you were to take a snapshot of my brain in any given 2 minutes, this is what you would see/hear:

….How will I survive this year? How are we going to pay off our student loans? What can my dissertation topic be? What if I am not able to defend my proposal on time? What if I don’t pass my comp exam next summer and have to take an extra year in school? What if I have a really demanding internship next year? What if I don’t find a pre-doc placement in Chicago and we have to move to another state for a year? How are we going to pay off our student loans? When do I have time to study for my licensing exam in November? When I have time to do work for my 1-credit independent study in biblical interpretation this semester? How are we going to pay off our student loans? What if I don’t get enough hours at my internship site this year? What if David doesn’t get into a doctoral program? What if he gets into one that is 2.5 hours away? How are we going to pay off our student loans? How are we going to survive this year financially? Why can’t we find a car to buy? When will we be able to go visit my family again? What if we won’t have time or money next summer? What if something happens to my parents? What if something happens to my husband? ….

I often allow these questions to eat away my joy and peace. Sometimes I feel really powerless over my anxious mind. This morning it dawned on me that I lot of the questions I worry about are “earthly” questions (which is not bad in itself), but the trouble is that I really want “earthly” answers to them while God offers me “heavenly” answers instead. Let me explain.

Recently I read a story about a man who came to Mother Teresa for advice and told her in great detail about all his troubles. Mother Teresa listened intently and then quietly said, "Well, when you spend one hour a day adoring your Lord and never do anything which you know is wrong...you will be fine!" At the first glance, it may appear as though she completely misheard him or discounted his experience. However, what really happened in this story is that the man was asking the questions “from below” and looking for answers “from below”, but Mother Teresa offered him an answer “from above”. God did that with Job too. Instead of directly answering all (or at least some) of Job’s “why?” questions, God simply said, “Hey, where were you when I created the earth?” In that God redirected Job from the concerns of his life to His person and character. Result? Job fell down on his face and worshipped the King.

Sometimes when we ask questions “from below”, God gives us specific answers and shows us the exact direction we should go. But sometimes He doesn’t. Then I am tempted to think that He does not hear or does not care, all the while He is wanting me to find my peace not in the answers, but in Himself. My prayer today is that God would help me dwell on His glory, His goodness, His sovereignty, His everlasting love, and His unchanging character. May my “worry list” and yours be dropped at the feet of the One who holds the universe and delights to offer us His presence!

Why "Living the Questions"?

The theme for this blog has been inspired by the current book I am reading with my small group. It’s called Spiritual Direction by Henri Nouwen. In the very first chapter the author calls us to live the questions of our lives, both alone and in community, as we seek our mission in the world. He insists that life’s hard questions must be raised, faced, and then lived. This means that we must take time to listen to the questions from within. It also means that we must not dismiss them or be annoyed by them. And we must constantly fight the temptation to offer or accept simple answers.

I am truly convicted that I do not live my questions, and I certainly do not love them, and I (being a psychologist-in-training) am a very bad listener to my own questions. I was taken by the wisdom of Nouwen when he commented that “living the questions runs counter to the mainstream of Christian ministry that wants to impart knowledge to understand, skills to control, and power to conquer. In spiritual listening, we encounter God who cannot be fully understood, we discover realities that cannot be controlled, and we realize that our hope is hidden not in the possession of power but in the confession of weakness”. If I am completely honest with myself, I am not very comfortable with questions that linger without answers. I am not very comfortable with mystery and with lack of control. But yet a part of me longs to encounter the living God of mystery who is way bigger than any of my questions. It is that part that I want to give voice through writing. I do want to become more courageous in listening to the questions from within. I don’t know what this journey will look like exactly, but I invite you to join me. I invite your thoughts, your questions, your reflections as well!

“When God enters into the center of our lives to unmask our illusion of

possessing final solutions and to disarm us with always deeper questions,

we will not necessarily have an easier or simpler life, but certainly a life that is honest,

courageous, and marked with the ongoing search for truth.

Sometimes, in living the questions, answers are found.

More often, as our questions and issues are tested and mature in solitude,

the questions simply dissolve.”